Someone's Got a Screw Loose Read online

  The Silverspoons’ doorbell didn’t go ding-dong like a normal bell. Instead, it played a whole song.

  “That’s fancy-schmancy,” I told Java.

  “I do not think schmancy is a word,” Java replied. “It is not anywhere in my dictionary.

  “Hello, Logan,” Mrs. Silverspoon said when she answered the door. “That’s quite an interesting hairstyle you have there. And who is this?”

  “My cousin, Java,” I said. “He just came to live with us a few months ago.”

  “I was Sherry and Jerry’s partner at the science fair,” Java reminded her. “We studied bees.”

  “Oh yes.” Mrs. Silverspoon nodded. “I remember now.”

  It would be hard to forget something like that. All the bees in Java’s science project had gotten loose. Everyone in the gym had gotten stung.

  “Thank you for inviting us to the party,” Java said.

  I rolled my eyes. I knew he was just saying that because my mom had programmed him to be polite.

  But Mrs. Silverspoon didn’t know that. She smiled at Java and said, “You are adorable.”

  Java smiled back and shouted, “I can do it!” Then he began to sing the same song the Silverspoons’ doorbell played. Loudly.

  Mrs. Silverspoon jumped back, surprised.

  “She said ‘adorable,’” I whispered. “Not a doorbell.”

  “Oh,” Java said. “I am sorry. My language recognition software must have a glitch.”

  Mrs. Silverspoon gave Java a funny look and shook her head.

  “The carnival is in the backyard,” she finally told us. “Why don’t you leave your gifts on the table, and then head out there?”

  “Okay,” I replied. Java and I placed our stuffed elephants on the gift table. There were lots of presents there already. A whole mountain of them. I wondered if the other gifts were better than our stuffed elephants.

  But there wasn’t time to think about that now. Mrs. Silverspoon was staring at Java like he had three heads.

  She had definitely noticed there was something different about him.

  And besides, there was a carnival waiting for us.

  “Come on!” I said, pulling Java by the arm. “Let’s go have some fun!”

  “Do you believe this party?” Stanley asked us a few minutes later when we met up with him near the baseball-throwing booth.

  “It’s amazing,” I agreed.

  This was no ordinary backyard carnival. The Silverspoons had made their whole yard look like the real deal.

  There were games to play and prizes to win.

  There was a bouncy castle and a giant slide.

  There was also a photo booth, a popcorn stand, a hot dog grill, and a cotton candy machine.

  Everyone seemed to be having a really good time.

  Maybe because no one seemed to be hanging around with Jerry and Sherry.

  “Have you seen the twins yet?” I asked Stanley.

  He shook his head. “We should say hello. But I don’t know how we could find them. There are so many people.”

  “Sherry and Jerry are by the trees,” Java said, pointing. “They are talking with the woman in the red dress.”

  “You spotted them all the way over there?” Stanley asked. He sounded really impressed. “You have an eagle eye!”

  “Actually, an eagle can see more than three miles away,” Java told him. “I am only programmed to see two miles away.”

  “Stanley didn’t mean a real eagle—” I started to explain.

  But Stanley interrupted me. “I didn’t know you were into birds,” he told Java, sounding really excited. “I love bird-watching! Last week I saw a rare pink-footed goose! We should go together sometime.”

  Phew. Saved by the bird.

  I didn’t want to give Java another chance to spout off any more weird, random facts, so I pointed to the baseball-throwing game.

  “Anyone want to try and win a giant stuffed pineapple?” I asked.

  5.

  Plush Pineapples and Fluffy Fish

  Clink. Clunk. Clonk.

  I watched as the top three cups from the pyramid fell onto the table below.

  Stanley frowned. He’d thrown that baseball at the cups as hard as he could.

  “Not bad,” the guy behind the baseball-throwing booth told him. “Knocking down three cups is better than none.”

  “It’s not good enough to win the giant stuffed pineapple, though,” Stanley said. “It’s not even good enough to win the little stuffed fish in the corner. And that one’s missing a fin.”

  “No one ever wins at these games,” I told Stanley.

  “I know,” he agreed. “Maybe—”

  CRASH!

  Before Stanley could finish his sentence, I heard a loud noise.

  The ground shook.

  It felt like an earthquake.

  Only it wasn’t. It was a Java-quake! And it left my cousin standing in a pile of stuffed fish, leopards, and pineapples.

  A crowd of people hurried over.

  “I don’t believe that kid!” the guy running the booth said. “He didn’t just knock over the cups. He knocked over everything!”

  Java stepped out from the pile of prizes. He handed Stanley a giant stuffed pineapple. “This is for you,” Java said. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny stuffed fish. “And this, too.”

  “Thanks,” Stanley said, amazed. “How did you do that?”

  “I threw the ball,” Java answered simply.

  Just then, I spotted a woman in a red dress hurrying over to the baseball booth. She was the same woman who had been talking to Jerry and Sherry before.

  Only now she wasn’t talking. She was writing in a notebook.

  She had to be the newspaper reporter. Which meant the less she saw of Java, the better.

  “When Jerry and Sherry see this, they’re going to be really mad,” I told Stanley and Java. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “You’re right,” Stanley agreed.

  “How about we go to the photo booth?” I suggested. “That’s always fun.”

  “Great,” Stanley said, “but first I gotta go to the porta potty. I drank too much lemonade.”

  “We’ll meet you by the photo booth,” I told him.

  As my cousin and I walked across the yard, I shook my head. “I can’t believe you knocked down the whole game tent,” I said.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Java asked me.

  I didn’t know how to answer that. Java really hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault he was super strong.

  “I guess not,” I told him as we neared the photo booth. “Look at this line. By the time we get our pictures taken, the party will be over.”

  Java smiled. “I can take your picture, Logan. Say ‘aged gouda.’”

  I looked at him strangely. “Say what?”

  “You know, say ‘cheese,’” Java replied.

  He blinked twice.

  And sneezed once.

  Then he opened his mouth. A piece of paper rolled out over his tongue.

  “Here are your photos, Logan,” Java said as he handed me the paper.

  Sure enough, they were pictures of me. Lousy pictures of me. My mouth was all twisted, one of my eyes was closed, and my hair was standing straight up.

  “Your mother updated my systems last week,” Java told me. “I can do many new things. Would you like me to—”

  “NO!” I shouted, stopping Java mid-sentence. “How about you wait here for Stanley? I’m going to get some popcorn. Then I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay, Logan,” Java agreed.

  I had barely taken a few steps when I stopped in my tracks.

  There was that reporter again. She was hiding behind some bushes.

  But I could still tell she was staring at Java. And writing in her notebook. I had a bad feeling she’d seen everything.

  Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore.

  6.

  Sneaky Snoop

  “Java!
We have to go home … now!” I shouted as I raced back toward the photo booth.

  But Java wasn’t there.

  He’d disappeared.

  How was that possible? I’d only turned my back on him for a minute.

  But that was all it took.

  I had to find Java—and fast. There was no telling what kind of trouble he could get into.

  But there were so many kids at the party. And the yard was huge. How was I going to find him?

  “Go, Java! Go, Java!”

  Just then, I heard a crowd of kids chanting my cousin’s name.

  “Go, Java! Go, Java!”

  I followed the sounds of their voices.

  I reached the high striker game just in time to see Java picking up the giant hammer.

  Nadine and Stanley were standing by his side, cheering.

  Uh-oh. Java didn’t know his own strength. He could do some serious damage at a game like this.

  “Java! No!” I shouted.

  BAM!

  Too late.

  Java had already slammed the hammer down onto the lever.

  The metal puck flew up.

  CLANG! The puck hit the bell.

  But instead of coming back down, the puck kept on flying—straight off the high striker and into the air.

  I stood there, waiting for the puck to fall back down to earth.

  But it never did. For all I knew, the puck had landed on the moon.

  It could have happened. Java’s really strong.

  “Amazing!” Stanley gasped.

  “Hooray for Java!” Nadine cheered like Java was a superhero or something.

  Which he is not.

  He’s just an android.

  And he’s only that strong because my mom programmed him that way.

  Click. Click. Click.

  Just then, I heard someone’s camera phone clicking above me.

  I looked up in the trees.

  There was the reporter. She was perched on a branch, taking lots of pictures of Java.

  What a sneaky snoop.

  This was awful. If the reporter wrote her article all about Java instead of the party, the Silverspoon twins were going to be really mad.

  But that wasn’t what I worried me most.

  I was worried about what would happen to Java if the reporter figured out his secret.

  It was up to me to do something to stop her.

  7.

  It’s All Up In the Air

  “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, Logan!”

  “Where’s that monster of a cousin of yours?”

  I was trying to make my way through the crowd to Java so I could take him home, when I was stopped by Jerry and Sherry. They looked like they were about to burst with anger.

  “He’s ruining our whole party,” Jerry complained. He balled his hands into little fists and started jumping up and down.

  “No one is paying any attention to us.” Sherry whined, pounding her feet into the ground.

  “I was really, really trying to find him and get him out of here,” I told the twins, “but now I’m wasting time talking to you.”

  “I don’t care how you do it,” Sherry insisted. “Just get that freak-o geek-o out of here.”

  That was easier said than done.

  Java had moved on to who knows where.

  Timbuktu for all I knew.

  “There he is!” Sherry pointed at the bouncy castle.

  “Flopping around like a smelly old fish,” Jerry added.

  Suddenly, I heard a giant POP!

  The roof of the bouncy castle burst open, and my robot cousin shot right through it.

  “How’d he do that?” I heard someone ask.

  I groaned and raced over to the bouncy castle.

  “It’s time to go,” I said as I grabbed Java by his ankle and pulled him out of the air and back down to earth.

  “But I haven’t had the chance to try the birthday cake yet,” Java insisted. “According to my hard drive, normal kids eat cake at birthday parties.”

  “You don’t eat cake,” I whispered to him. “You don’t eat anything.”

  I didn’t want to be around when the twins made their birthday wish, anyway. I knew they’d wish Java and I would get lost.

  “You can’t leave now.” The woman in the red dress jumped in front of us and blocked our path. “I have a few questions for you. My name is Jackie Pepperoni. I’m a reporter for the Weekly Words newspaper.”

  Uh-oh.

  “I’ve noticed that there’s something peculiar about you,” she said, turning to face my cousin.

  “Peculiar?” I started nervously laughing. “He’s not peculiar. He’s as average as a peanut butter sandwich.”

  “Are you kidding?” Jackie Pepperoni asked me. “I’ve never seen anyone jump as high as he can or throw a ball as hard. Where are you from, young man?”

  “Logan’s garage,” Java answered.

  “He just means we built him a room in our garage,” I explained quickly.

  “How do you explain him spitting those pictures out of his mouth?” Jackie Pepperoni demanded.

  “You didn’t see what you thought you saw,” I told her. “It was all in your head.”

  “That’s funny,” Java said. “All I have in my head are wires and nuts and bolts.”

  Jackie Pepperoni started writing in her reporter’s notebook again.

  I slapped the notebook out of her hand. I couldn’t let her write about Java. It would ruin everything!

  “My notes!” she shouted. “You knocked them into the punch bowl. They’re ruined. But don’t worry. It won’t stop me from writing about the incredible things your cousin can do.”

  “Sometimes you can’t believe your eyes,” I insisted. “Those were just tricks. Magic tricks. I’m a great magician.”

  “Oh yeah?” Jackie Pepperoni replied. “Prove it.”

  8

  Abraca-oops!

  “Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls!” I shouted. “It’s time to be amazed by the mystery of magic!”

  A group of kids was gathering around me near one of the picnic tables.

  I tried not to look at the Silverspoons’ faces. I was sure they hadn’t planned on having a magic show in the middle of their birthday party.

  Especially one starring me.

  I knew they would hate my guts, but I had to do this. I had to keep Java’s secret safe.

  It was a good thing I never went anywhere without a few magic tricks up my sleeve—and in my pockets.

  I yanked the back pocket of my jeans open and walked around the crowd. “Nothing in here,” I assured them. “Or is there?”

  I reached into my back pocket again, and this time I pulled out a blue scarf.

  And a pink scarf.

  And a yellow scarf.

  And a green scarf.

  And … my underpants!

  Oh brother. That wasn’t supposed to happen. How embarrassing.

  A few kids clapped.

  A lot of kids started to walk away.

  And Jackie Pepperoni started taking notes on a napkin.

  This wasn’t going well. If I didn’t do something soon, I would never be able to convince her that she hadn’t seen Java do all those crazy things.

  There was only one person who could help me do the ultimate magic trick.

  “Will my magic assistant, Java Applebaum, please join me,” I called into the crowd.

  Java made his way through all of the kids who had actually stuck around and joined me by the table. “Here I am, Logan,” he said. “What does a magic assistant do?”

  A couple of kids started to giggle.

  “Please lie down on the picnic table,” I said, ignoring them.

  Java did as he was told.

  “I am going to cut my assistant in half, using nothing more that this plastic knife,” I announced.

  Now I had Jackie Pepperoni’s attention! And everyone else’s, too.

  I started pretending to saw Java’s legs off w
ith a plastic knife that had been left on the picnic table. But really, I was unscrewing his legs from his body with my other hand.

  Then I said the magic word, “Abraca-doopadoop!”

  The crowd gasped, as Java’s legless body sat up tall.

  Everyone started applauding like crazy. Even Jackie Pepperoni!

  “And now, I will put my assistant back together!” I announced as I pushed Java back down and quickly screwed his legs back in place.

  I said the magic word. “Abraca-poodapood!”

  Java leaped off the table and landed on his own two feet.

  Unfortunately, I’d put his legs on backward.

  “I think I have a screw loose!” Java said.

  Uh-oh, I thought. This could be bad.

  But the audience was laughing. And cheering. They thought this was all part of the show.

  And so I let them think that!

  Jackie Pepperoni crumpled up her note-covered napkin and threw it in the trash. I guess she wasn’t going to write an article about Java after all.

  I’d made the whole story disappear. Just like a real magician.

  9

  Gourmet Sponges

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Sherry demanded as she ran up to me after the magic show.

  “We never asked you to do magic tricks at our party,” Jerry added. He looked furious.

  “The magic show was abrac-amazing!” Jackie Pepperoni exclaimed. “I’ve changed my mind. Now I want to do my article about you, Logan.”

  Sherry’s eyes flew open wide.

  Jerry’s jaw dropped. A fly flew in and landed on his tongue.

  “You want to do a story about him?” Sherry gulped.

  “And not us?” Jerry gasped.

  Jackie Pepperoni nodded. “How did you do that last trick?” she asked me.

  “He just unscrew—” Java began.

  I shoved my hand over my cousin’s mouth.

  “A magician never reveals his secrets,” I told Jackie Pepperoni.

  “You don’t want to do an article about them,” Jerry insisted.

  “It’s our party after all,” Sherry added. “And, besides, we’re not weirdos like those two!”