Worse, Worser, Wurst Read online

  PENGUIN WORKSHOP

  Penguin Young Readers Group

  An Imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

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  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Text copyright © 2018 by Nancy Krulik. Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Ben Balistreri. All rights reserved. Published by Penguin Workshop, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014. PENGUIN and PENGUIN WORKSHOP are trademarks of Penguin Books, Ltd, and the W colophon is a trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 9780515158342 (pbk)

  ISBN 9780515158359 (hc)

  ISBN 9780515158366 (ebook)

  Version_1

  For my grandparents Sadie and Max, who were always really good at making me laugh—NK

  To the memory of my second golden retriever, Beaker, the jolliest dog I’ve ever known and a pooch who would have loved a good liverwurst sandwich—BB

  Contents

  Copyright

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Excerpt from the next Princess Pulverizer

  About the Author & Illustrator

  Chapter 1

  “AAAAAHHH! There’s a MONSTER in that tree!” Lucas cried out. “A hairy, creepy-crawly MONSTER!”

  The scared knight-in-training dropped the grilled cheese sandwich he’d been snacking on and ran off as fast as he could.

  “A monster?” Princess Pulverizer repeated. But she did not sound scared at all.

  Nothing scared Princess Pulverizer.

  Well, very little scared her, anyway.

  “Y-y-yes,” Lucas answered from his favorite hiding spot—crouched behind his best friend, Dribble the dragon. “I hate things that creep and crawl!”

  “I’ll defeat it!” Princess Pulverizer said, leaping to her feet.

  “H-h-how?” Lucas stammered nervously. “You don’t have any weapons.”

  “Sure I do.” The princess bent her arms to show off her muscles. “These!”

  Lucas and Dribble did not seem particularly impressed.

  But that wasn’t stopping Princess Pulverizer. “Watch out, monster! You are no match for me,” she shouted.

  Princess Pulverizer looked up into the tree. But she didn’t see a monster. She didn’t see anything other than the usual branches, leaves, and blossoms.

  Hmmm . . . Maybe the monster was hiding.

  The princess leaped into the air and grabbed a tree branch. She pulled herself up and began climbing, searching for a monster hidden in the leaves.

  But there was no monster anywhere.

  Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Princess Pulverizer noticed a black, white, and yellow hairy creature creeping and crawling on a branch.

  Wait a minute.

  Hairy?

  Creeping?

  Crawling?

  Oh brother. Lucas hadn’t seen a monster at all. He’d seen a caterpillar.

  Princess Pulverizer wasn’t surprised that Lucas was afraid of an insect. Lucas was afraid of everything.

  The princess let the little caterpillar crawl onto her finger. She tucked him in her pocket and slid down to the ground.

  Princess Pulverizer walked over to her friends and dangled the tiny creature in front of Lucas’s nose. “Is this your monster?”

  Lucas shuddered. “Get that away from me!” he cried out.

  Princess Pulverizer laughed.

  Dribble looked from the caterpillar to Lucas and back again. He clenched his dragon lips together tightly, trying not to laugh. But he couldn’t help himself.

  “Ha-ha-ha-ha . . .” SNORT! Dribble laughed so hard, the ground shook beneath him.

  “This isn’t a monster,” Princess Pulverizer told Lucas. “It’s a caterpillar.” She placed the stunned insect back on a low-hanging tree branch.

  Lucas turned red with embarrassment. “I really hate things that creep and crawl,” he said timidly.

  “Aaaachoooo!” Suddenly, Dribble let out a loud, powerful sneeze.

  “Gesundheit,” Lucas said. “Are you getting a cold?”

  The dragon shook his head. “It’s those apple blossoms. I’m allergic. Aaachoooo!”

  That last sneeze was so strong, it blew Lucas over. He fell backward onto the ground.

  “Sorry,” Dribble apologized as Lucas scrambled back to his feet.

  “It’s okay,” Lucas assured him.

  The dragon looked down at the grilled cheese sandwich his friend had dropped. “What a waste of cheese,” he said. “It’s too bad you didn’t finish it. Gouda grilled cheese is my specialty.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lucas apologized. “But it’s not a total waste. The ants seem to be enjoying it.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” Princess Pulverizer grumbled. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from a creepy-crawly, hairy monster. Because that would have been a good deed.”

  “A very good deed indeed,” Lucas agreed.

  “But saving you from a caterpillar is not the same thing,” Princess Pulverizer said sadly. “Now I still need to do seven more good deeds before I can go to Knight School.”

  Lucas and Dribble knew what Princess Pulverizer meant. Before they had met her, she had spent her days with Lady Frump at the Royal School of Ladylike Manners, where she was taught to pour tea properly and dance the saltarello at royal balls. Things all princesses needed to know.

  Only Princess Pulverizer didn’t want to be a princess.

  She wanted to be a knight.

  So she had begged her father, King Alexander of Empiria, to let her go to Knight School. Unfortunately, the king told her she couldn’t go—at least not until she went on a Quest of Kindness and performed eight good deeds.

  So far, the princess had only completed one good deed—retrieving the Queen of Shmergermeister’s jewels from the evil ogre who had stolen them.

  That left seven more deeds to go. Which Princess Pulverizer was sure she could accomplish—especially since she now had Lucas and Dribble to help her.

  To an outsider, Dribble and Lucas probably didn’t seem like they would be very helpful. After all, Lucas was such a fraidy-cat, the other boys had nicknamed him Lucas the Lily-Livered and laughed him out of Knight School. And Dribble had been thrown out of his lair because the other dragons didn’t like that he used his fire for making grilled cheese sandwiches rather than burning villages.

  But Lucas and Dribble were loyal.

  And nice.

  And really willing to help.

  The
y were just the kind of pals a girl trying to get into Knight School needed to have around.

  “This place is boring,” Princess Pulverizer told her friends. She pulled a toothpick from her knapsack and used the thin sliver of wood to pick rye bread seeds out from between her teeth.

  “I don’t think Lady Frump would have liked to see you doing that,” Dribble teased her.

  Princess Pulverizer laughed. “Lady Frump didn’t like anything I did. I was her worst student ever.”

  “But you’ll do great in Knight School,” Lucas assured her.

  “I won’t get to go to Knight School if we don’t find someone who needs my help,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “I’m ready for a new adventure.”

  “That makes one of us,” Lucas muttered under his breath.

  “Aaaachooo!” Dribble sneezed again.

  The dragon’s powerful sneeze blew the caterpillar right out of the tree and onto the ground. That poor guy was not having a good day at all.

  “Come on!” Princess Pulverizer said as she started walking out of the forest.

  Despite the fact that they weren’t looking for adventure, Dribble and Lucas followed close behind her.

  Just as the princess knew they would.

  After all, nobody argued with Princess Pulverizer.

  Well, almost nobody, anyway.

  Chapter 2

  “Mmmm . . .” Princess Pulverizer sniffed at the air excitedly. She and her friends had wandered into a nearby kingdom. Something smelled delicious. “What is that?”

  “I think it’s salami,” Lucas replied. “It’s coming from the food stands over there.”

  “This could be the perfect place for me to sell my sandwiches,” Dribble thought out loud. “Who doesn’t love a grilled salami and cheese on rye?”

  The dragon’s mouth watered at the thought of such a delicious treat—which left a big puddle of dragon drool below him.

  “Aaaahhh!” Just then, a passing villager spotted the big, green, drooling dragon. He screamed and ran away as fast as he could.

  Princess Pulverizer frowned. “It would be the perfect spot—if you could somehow get people to stop running away from you long enough to try your food,” she told the dragon.

  Dribble shook his head. “I just don’t get why people are so afraid of me.” He flashed his friendliest smile at Princess Pulverizer. “Do I look scary to you?”

  The princess stared at the dragon’s huge teeth.

  She looked down at his long, sharp claws.

  She glanced up at his big, bulgy eyes.

  Yeah, Dribble could look pretty scary, if you didn’t know him.

  But Princess Pulverizer was trying hard to be kind these days. So all she said was, “Um . . . no. You don’t seem scary at all. At least not to me.”

  “Exactly,” Dribble said. He smiled wider—which just made his eyes bulge more.

  “YIKES!” a woman shouted as she caught sight of him. “I’M OUT OF HERE!”

  “There goes another one,” Dribble said sadly. His smile drooped. “I don’t think I like this village anymore.”

  “Me either,” Princess Pulverizer said.

  “Why not?” Lucas asked her.

  “Because there’s no one here who needs saving,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “Listen. Do you hear anyone asking for help?”

  Lucas and Dribble listened. But they heard nothing.

  Not a shriek.

  Or a wail.

  Or even a stressful sigh.

  “See what I mean?” Princess Pulverizer asked them. “There are no adventures to be had here. We may as well leave.”

  “I agree,” Lucas said. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something creepy about this place.”

  “I’ll tell you what it is,” Dribble said. “Everyone here is miserable.”

  Princess Pulverizer looked around. Dribble was right. Not one person was smiling. There was no joy anywhere.

  Not a giggle.

  Or a guffaw.

  Or even a tee-hee.

  “Hmmm,” Princess Pulverizer mused as she took another look around. “Maybe there is something going on here . . .”

  “I don’t like the sound of that,” Lucas whispered nervously to Dribble.

  Before Dribble could answer him, Princess Pulverizer stopped a pouting passerby in the square.

  “Excuse me, sir.” She introduced herself. “I’m Princess Pulverizer.”

  “Pleased to meet you,” the man replied. “I’m Peter Pastrami.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Princess Pulverizer said. “I was just wondering if you could tell me why—”

  “Is that a dragon?” Peter Pastrami interrupted her nervously. He pointed to Dribble.

  “Oh, that’s just Dribble,” Princess Pulverizer replied. “He won’t hurt you.”

  “Just Dribble?” the dragon repeated angrily. “Seriously?”

  “He looks mad,” Peter Pastrami insisted.

  “He’s harmless,” the princess assured him. “Anyway, as I was saying, can you tell me why everyone here seems so sad?”

  “Salamistonia wasn’t always a cheerless place,” Peter Pastrami replied, pulling at his beard. “Our kingdom was once very joyful, full of joking, laughter, and tickle fights.”

  “I love tickle fights,” Lucas said. “No one gets hurt in a tickle fight.”

  Peter Pastrami nodded. “But that was before our beloved court jester, Lester, was kidnapped. With him gone, there’s no one to make us laugh.”

  Princess Pulverizer’s ears perked up at the word kidnapped. People who were kidnapped needed rescuing. And rescuing was a good deed!

  “Do you know who kidnapped Lester?” the princess asked.

  “The evil Wizard of Wurst,” Peter Pastrami replied. “Lester was always pulling practical jokes on him.”

  “What kinds of jokes?” Princess Pulverizer inquired.

  “Harmless stuff, really,” Peter Pastrami answered. “Like putting mustard in his ketchup bottle or hiding his mayonnaise.”

  “I hate mayonnaise,” Lucas said. “It’s slimy.”

  “I know,” Peter Pastrami agreed. “Why would anyone put it on a sandwich?”

  “Well, actually,” Dribble argued, “if you spread a little mayo on the bread before you grill—”

  “Can we get back to the kidnapping?” Princess Pulverizer interrupted. “Do you know where the Wizard of Wurst is keeping Lester?”

  Peter Pastrami nodded. “He’s got him locked in his tower.”

  “Hasn’t anyone tried to rescue him?” Princess Pulverizer pressed.

  Peter nodded. “Sure. But no one has been able to do it. Even our kingdom’s bravest knight, Sir Loin, came up short. He had to return to Salamistonia without Lester—which was embarrassing, since he had never failed at anything before.”

  “Why did he fail?” Princess Pulverizer asked.

  Peter Pastrami shrugged. “He didn’t have what it took to open the lock and free Lester.”

  “You mean the key?” Princess Pulverizer wondered aloud.

  “It takes more than a key to open that lock,” Peter Pastrami explained. “Rumor has it that the lock is magical. It will only open for someone who is selfless and pure of heart.”

  Princess Pulverizer thought for a moment. “What does that mean?” she asked.

  Before Peter could answer, Dribble let out a loud belch. A tiny spark of dragon fire escaped from his mouth.

  “Excuse me,” Dribble said. “Sometimes gouda gives me heartburn.”

  But Peter Pastrami hadn’t waited around to hear Dribble’s explanation. At the first sight of dragon fire, he’d taken off down the road as fast as he could.

  “If I were you, I’d get out of here,” Peter called back to the princess. “The sadness of Salamistonia is very contagious.
”

  “C-c-contagious?” Lucas stammered nervously. “I don’t want to catch sadness. It’s bad enough that I’m scared all the time. I don’t want to be sad all the time, too.”

  “Me either,” Dribble told Princess Pulverizer with a frown. “It wouldn’t be fun cooking for people who don’t smile when they eat. And I don’t like the way Peter Pastrami ran off without saying goodbye. That was rude.”

  Lucas gave Dribble a strange look. “Why are you doing that?” he asked him.

  “Doing what?” Dribble wondered.

  “Frowning,” Lucas said. “You hardly ever frown. You’re usually a happy dragon.”

  “I don’t feel very happy right now,” Dribble replied.

  “Uh-oh,” Lucas said.

  “Uh-oh, what?” Princess Pulverizer asked him.

  “I think Dribble is catching the Salamistonia sadness.” Lucas frowned, too. “And that’s making me feel sad. It is contagious. We should get out of this place.”

  “I agree,” Princess Pulverizer said. “We’re leaving Salamistonia.”

  “We are?” Lucas sounded surprised.

  “Sure,” Princess Pulverizer replied. “We can’t rescue Lester the Jester from the evil wizard if we stay here. Which means we’re off to visit the Wizard of Wurst!”

  Lucas shook his head. “That’s not what I meant,” he said with a sigh.

  But it was too late. Princess Pulverizer had found someone to save. There was no stopping her now.

  Chapter 3

  “This is a bad idea,” Lucas moaned as he trudged through the forest behind Princess Pulverizer and Dribble.

  “Why?” Princess Pulverizer asked. “We were looking for a good deed to do, and now we have one.”

  “You were looking for a good deed to do,” Lucas insisted. “I just wanted to get out of Salamistonia.”

  “Me, we, same thing,” Princess Pulverizer said.

  “Not exactly,” Lucas said nervously.

  “Are you sure we’re going the right way?” Dribble asked Princess Pulverizer. “We’ve been walking a really long time.”