How Do You Pee in Space? Read online

  “Juggle!” George shouted. He started juggling the three little green men in the air.

  George was not a good juggler. The burp had made him do this before, with raw eggs in the middle of the classroom. That hadn’t gone so well. In fact it had been a major mess.

  It was no wonder the little green men had such frightened looks on their little green faces. George was dropping them. One, two, three.

  The only good thing was, with zero gravity, they didn’t hit the ground. They just floated away.

  The burp turned its attention to the buttons on the desks that lined the spaceship. George’s hand reached out and pulled the chocolate-syrup switch. Chocolate syrup rained down in the spaceship.

  Then George pulled the whipped-cream lever. The whipped-cream laser gun started shooting.

  George’s hand reached over and pushed a yellow button. Rainbow sprinkles rained from the sky.

  The little green men looked at one another. They chattered loudly. They sounded scared.

  George wanted to tell the little green men not to be scared. The burp was crazy, yes. But it wasn’t mean. It wouldn’t hurt anyone. At least not on purpose.

  But the burp didn’t feel like talking. It felt like squirting whipped cream all around the spaceship. So George just kept pulling that lever.

  Bonk! Just then, George felt something hit him in the back of the head. Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!

  George swiveled around. Ch

  erries! The little green men were launching cherries at him. And their aim was really good!

  George squirted some whipped cream back at the little green men. It was an all-out, outer-space ice-cream war!

  George leaped up high to avoid being hit with a cherry bomb. “Incoming!” George shouted as he flip-flopped and loop-de-looped out of the way of flying cherries.

  Bonk! Bonk! Two cherries hit their mark. Right in the middle of George’s forehead.

  “Oh yeah?” George shouted. “Well, take this!” His hand reached for a bright red button.

  George had no idea what the red button would do. But the space aliens seemed to know. And they weren’t happy.

  “AAAAAAAHHHHH!” the little green men shouted as they scurried to stop George from pushing the button. Some pulled at his arm. Some pulled at his legs.

  But the burp was stronger than all of them! It forced George’s hand on the bright red button and pushed.

  Beep! Beep! Beep! An alarm sounded. Bright red lights flashed everywhere! The little green men took cover. And then . . .

  Pop! Suddenly, George felt something pop inside his belly. All the air rushed out of him. The magical super burp was gone.

  Beep! Beep! Beep!

  And his alarm was ringing.

  What? George opened his eyes and looked around. There was his desk. And his chair. And his skateboard. And his backpack.

  Yep. This was his room. He hadn’t gone anywhere. It had all been a dream.

  But it had been so real. That ice cream had tasted sweet and been so cold. And he’d definitely felt every one of those cherry bombs bash into his head.

  George looked down at his sleeve. Hey! What was that brown stuff? It looked like chocolate sauce.

  No. That was impossible. It couldn’t be chocolate sauce. Because there were no such things as outer-space sundaes or little green men.

  There couldn’t be.

  Could there?

  “We’re on the air in one minute,” said Jason, the fifth-grader who was directing Thursday’s morning announcements.

  George and Major Minor were seated in front of the camera in the school TV studio. But George’s mind was far away. Far, far away. In outer space. George was still thinking about the space aliens.

  “I’m ready,” Major Chet Minor said with a smile. “How about you, George?”

  “Huh?” George asked.

  “Are you ready?” Major Minor repeated.

  “Oh. Yeah. Sure. I guess,” George answered.

  “Okay,” Jason said. “We’re on the air.”

  George looked at the camera. Its red light looked like a little green man’s eye. He would never forget those eyes. Ever. They were real. He was sure of it.

  “Do you believe in space aliens?” George blurted out suddenly.

  The words were out of George’s mouth before he could stop them. And boy, was he sorry he’d ever said them. Louie would never let him live this down. George looked like an idiot.

  Except . . . Major Minor wasn’t laughing at him. He was actually nodding! “I think it’s possible that there’s life on other planets,” he said. “Maybe not life as we know it. But some form of life. In fact, NASA has pictures that show the ice caps on Mars, caps with ice made of water. And where there’s water, there could be life.”

  “Wow!” George exclaimed. So it was possible that there were little green men somewhere. And if that was true, then George had something else to ask Major Minor. Something that had been really bugging him since last night.

  “How do you pee in space?” George asked the astronaut.

  “When you gotta go, you gotta go,” Major Minor joked. Then he explained, “We have toilets that look pretty much like the ones on Earth. But we don’t flush with water. We use air pressure to pull waste through the system.”

  George grinned. It turned out that it was an interesting question to ask. But it wasn’t a really smart question. And George wanted Major Minor to think he was smart. So he asked one of Alex’s super-smart questions.

  “Do neutron stars or white dwarf stars have enough mass to eventually become black holes?” George asked Major Minor.

  Major Minor looked at him with surprise. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “What a great question.”

  George beamed.

  Major Minor started discussing things like measuring mass, black holes, and something called event horizons. George had no idea what he was talking about. He doubted any of the other kids in school, except Alex, would understand either.

  Finally, Major Minor finished answering the question. He smiled. “You must be a top science student, George,” he said. “Just the kind of kid we love at the Space Adventurers Program.”

  George looked at the ground. It was one thing to use Alex’s question. After all, Alex had given it to him and told him to use it. But it was another thing to take credit for Alex’s brains. That was something he just couldn’t do.

  “Actually, it was my friend Alex who came up with that question,” George admitted. “He loves science. And he really wanted to go to the Space Adventurers Program. Even more than I did. So if it’s okay, I’m going to give him that part of my prize.”

  Major Minor didn’t say anything for a minute. Then he reached out and shook George’s hand. “You’re acting like a real astronaut,” he said.

  Huh?

  “Astronauts are loyal to one another, and you’re obviously loyal to your friend Alex,” Major Minor explained. “And astronauts have to use teamwork when they’re in space. Alex shared his question with you, and that’s teamwork. I think you both should get to go to the Space Adventures Program. Together. So I’m going to make sure both you boys get a scholarship to the program.”

  “Really?” George asked him.

  Major Minor grinned. “Really,” he said.

  “Thanks!” George exclaimed.

  Just then, Jason held up five fingers. There were only five seconds left in the broadcast.

  “Thank you, Major Minor, for being on our morning announcements,” George said into the camera. “The fourth-graders will get to hear more from you at their assembly today.”

  “And we’re out,” James said as the little red light on the camera faded. “Thanks for a good show, everyone.”

  As George and Major Minor left the studio, Alex came racing down the hall.

  “What are you doi
ng here?” George asked Alex.

  “Mrs. Kelly said I could come thank Major Minor for the scholarship in person,” Alex told him.

  “Oh,” George said.

  “And to thank you, too,” Alex said. “That was a cool thing you did, dude.”

  “Well, you are my best friend,” George said hopefully.

  “Definitely,” Alex replied.

  George smiled and looked up at Major Minor. “This is Alex,” he said. “The kid I was telling you about.”

  “Nice to meet you, Alex,” Major Minor said. “That was an interesting question you wrote.”

  “Thanks,” Alex said. “I liked your answer. It made a lot of things clearer for me. And I was wondering if I could ask you a few more things before the assembly.”

  “Sure,” Major Minor said. “Ask away.”

  George smiled as he listened to Alex and the astronaut talk about things George could never possibly understand. He was glad Alex had a chance to get his questions answered. Especially because the only other question George would have wanted to ask, he already knew the answer to.

  At one time, George might have wondered if it was possible to burp in space. But he’d already done that last night, in the alien spaceship. So he definitely knew it was possible.

  At least, he thought he knew. George couldn’t be completely sure. Because he couldn’t be completely sure he’d actually been inside an alien spaceship. It might have been a dream.

  Maybe.

  But then again, maybe not.

  About the Author

  Nancy Krulik is the author of more than 150 books for children and young adults, including three New York Times Best Sellers and the popular Katie Kazoo, Switcheroo books. She lives in New York City with her family, and many of George Brown’s escapades are based on things her own kids have done. (No one delivers a good burp quite like Nancy’s son, Ian!) Nancy’s favorite thing to do is laugh, which comes in pretty handy when you’re trying to write funny books! You can follow Nancy on Twitter: @NancyKrulik.

  About the Illustrator

  Aaron Blecha was raised by a school of giant squid in Wisconsin and now lives with his family by the south English seaside. He works as an artist designing funny characters and illustrating humorous books, including the one you’re holding. You can enjoy more of his weird creations at www.monstersquid.com.