Dance Your Pants Off! Read online

  “George, put that down!” Mr. Stubbs scolded him.

  George wanted to put the shaving cream down. He really did. But George wasn’t in charge anymore. The burp was. And it wanted a white, foamy mustache and beard.

  Then George’s hands aimed the spray can at Sage. Pssshhhh.

  “Georgie, no!” Sage cried out.

  Any other time, George would have thought it was pretty funny seeing Sage with shaving cream on her face and in her hair. But not now. Now it was just ba-a-ad!

  “George, put that down and get out of my shop—now!” Mr. Stubbs shouted.

  George wanted his feet to run out of the store as fast as they could. But that’s not what the burp wanted. It wanted to climb up that barber pole! And that’s just what George did. The next thing anyone knew, there was red, white, blue, and George Brown stripes going around and around on the barber pole.

  “George, get down!” Mr. Stubbs yelled. “You’re going to break that.”

  “Wheeeee!” George’s mouth shouted out. “Wheeeee!”

  Whoosh! Suddenly George felt something pop in the bottom of his belly. All the air rushed out of him. The super burp was gone!

  “Whoa!” George slid right off the pole. He landed with a bam, right on his butt. Everyone just stared at him.

  George opened his mouth to say “I’m sorry.” And that was exactly what came out.

  Mr. Stubbs shook his head. “What a mess,” he said. “George, I think you’d better leave now.”

  George stood up and slunk out of the store. He watched through the window as Alex handed Mr. Stubbs a “Vote for Mildred Kelly” poster and Sage wiped the shaving cream from her face and hair.

  George frowned and kicked at the ground. Mr. Stubbs was so angry, he might never let George in his barbershop again. George might have to start going to the beauty salon where his mom went. The air there smelled like perfume, and the chairs were all pink. It was no place for a kid like George.

  Stupid super burp. It was making trouble for George everywhere. Before long, it wouldn’t be Mrs. Kelly’s face on posters all over town. It would be George’s face—on a wanted poster!

  By Wednesday evening, it seemed as though every store in Beaver Brook had a “Vote for Mildred Kelly” poster in the window. There was no way anyone in town could miss seeing them. Just in case, George wanted to e-mail all the kids in the fourth grade to remind them to watch the show and vote for Mrs. Kelly!

  But before George could type even one word, a brand-new e-mail arrived in his in-box.

  Louie was wrong. George wanted to miss Life with Louie. He really did. But somehow he couldn’t stop himself from clicking the link. He just had to see how Louie was going to make a jerk of himself this time.

  The minute George clicked on the link, he saw Louie—dressed in a fluffy red bathrobe and wearing a clear shower cap on his head.

  Oh boy, this was gonna be good!

  “I love to sing in the shower,” Louie said. He turned to look at his off-screen cameraman. “Max, follow me.”

  Louie began to walk down the hall. Max followed close behind. So close that pretty soon all you could see was the blur of Louie’s bright-red robe. It looked like someone had splashed blood all over the computer screen.

  Louie stopped short. Max bumped right into him and fell to the ground with a thud. The camera tilted upward so that all you could see was the inside of Louie’s nose.

  George laughed. There was a big booger up there.

  “You can’t come in the bathroom with me!” Louie shouted at Max. “Just stay out here, and I’ll sing really loud.” And with that, he slammed the door.

  Now all George could see was a bathroom door. And all he could hear was Louie screeching out his favorite song.

  “Louie, Louie . . . oh no. We gotta go. Aye-yi-yi-yi . . .”

  George clicked off the computer screen. There was only so much a guy could take.

  “Nice shower cap, Louie,” George said as he, Alex, and Chris met up with the other kids in the schoolyard the next morning.

  Louie glared at George. “I have a very dry scalp,” he said. “If I wash my hair every day, I’ll get dandruff.”

  “Why did you take a shower in the middle of your show, anyway?” Julianna asked him. “No one could see you.”

  “But you could hear me,” Louie said. “That was the whole point. And you could see me before I went into the bathroom.” He glared at George. “My whole face. Not just my hand.”

  “Oh yeah,” Alex said. “We saw all of you. Including your nostrils.”

  George laughed. “You got a lot of hair up there,” he said. “And other stuff, too . . . achoo!”

  Alex and George laughed. So did Chris, Julianna, and Sage. Max and Mike started to, but one look from Louie stopped them cold.

  George thought about making another crack about Louie’s shower cap and nose hairs. But he stopped himself. That just wasn’t something the new and improved George would do. Besides, the kids had more important things to think about than Life with Louie.

  “I’m going to wait in line outside the TV station right after school,” George said. “Mrs. Kelly is sure to dance better if she knows people are rooting for her. My dad is driving me over. Anyone need a ride?”

  “I do,” Alex said.

  “I’ll go with you, George,” Chris added.

  “Me too,” Julianna said. “My parents are out of town again, and my grandmother’s car smells really gross.”

  “I’ll ride with you, too, Georgie,” Sage said. “I can sit next to you. Or on your lap if there isn’t room in the car.”

  No way that was happening. “My dad’s bringing the van. You’ll have your own seat,” George told Sage. Then he walked away as fast as he could.

  “Oh man, stuck in a van with Sage,” George complained as he and Alex hurried into the school building. “I sure hope this is gonna be worth it.”

  “It will be,” Alex said. “It’s a scientific fact that people do better when they know there are people cheering them on. So the more people who cheer, and the louder we do it, the better Mrs. Kelly will dance. And the better chance she’ll have at winning.”

  George grinned. He really wanted Mrs. Kelly to win. It would be so amazing to have a teacher who was a real live superstar!

  “This place is a lot smaller than it looks on TV,” George said as he took his seat in the Dance Your Pants Off studio later that day. “I’m glad we got here early. We never would have gotten a seat.”

  “But now we’re right down in front,” Chris said. “We’ll see everything!”

  Alex nodded. Then he bent down and reached under his seat. “Check it out!” he said, holding up a piece of hard, green gum. “A new piece of already been chewed gum to add to my gum ball!”

  George smiled. “That’s gotta be a good sign,” he told Alex. “Maybe that gum will bring Mrs. Kelly luck!”

  “I can’t believe I had to postpone my Life with Louie broadcast for this,” Louie groaned. “I was all ready to talk about cheese from around the world. My mom said I could use her sterling silver cheese slicer and everything.”

  “That would have been interesting,” Max agreed. “Louie knows a lot about cheese.”

  “Yeah, no one’s more cheesy than you, Louie,” Mike added.

  George laughed. “That’s for sure.”

  “There wouldn’t have been anyone home to watch it, anyway,” Julianna reminded Louie. “Practically the whole fourth grade is here.”

  “I know. That’s why I decided to come instead of doing my show,” Louie agreed. “I’ll do a new Life with Louie tomorrow. No one would want to miss my discussion of the difference between Roquefort and blue cheese.”

  “Who cares what the difference is?” George groaned. “They both stink! My grandmother onc
e made me a blue cheese omelet. It smelled like feet.”

  “How much longer until the show starts?” Chris asked.

  “About twenty minutes,” Alex said, looking at his watch.

  “Oh, man,” Chris groaned. “That’s a long time to just sit here.”

  George knew what Chris meant. He had a tough time sitting still, too.

  Bing-bong . . .

  And it was about to get even tougher. Because just then, George felt something that never sat still. Ever.

  Cling-clang!

  Ping-pong!

  The super burp was back! And it wanted to play. Already the bubbles were bing-bonging on his bladder and doing loop-the-loops on his liver.

  George wanted to give Alex their secret signal. But Alex was looking the other way and talking to Julianna.

  Now the bubbles were using George’s tongue as a trampoline. Boing! Boing! Boing!

  “Georgie, are you okay?” Sage asked him. “Your eyes are bulging.”

  George let out the loudest burp anyone had ever heard. The whole audience stared at him.

  “Georgie!” Sage shouted, surprised.

  George opened his mouth to say “excuse me.” But that’s not what came out. Instead, George’s mouth shouted, “I’VE GOT BOOGIE FEVER!”

  The next thing anyone knew, George’s feet were dancing their way down the aisle of the Dance Your Pants Off studio and climbing the steps to the stage.

  The audience started to laugh!

  “Kid! Get down from there!” one of the stagehands shouted.

  But George’s feet weren’t going anywhere. The super burp had never met a stage it didn’t love.

  George’s body started dancing. His rear end gave a wiggle, and his belly gave a jiggle. Then he kicked his right leg in and his left leg out.

  The audience members laughed even louder.

  “Oh man, George is in trouble now!” Louie shouted over all the laughter.

  George hated being in trouble. But the burp didn’t mind at all. Trouble was the super burp’s middle name—or it would have been if magical super burps had middle names.

  “Dude!” Alex shouted. He ran for the stage.

  “Kid, you can’t be up there, either!” the stagehand shouted at Alex.

  George’s legs kicked higher and higher. Alex reached over and grabbed George by the pant leg.

  Bam! George tripped and landed right on his behind. But his rear end didn’t mind. It started spinning on the stage, taking Alex with it.

  Alex tugged hard, trying to get George off the stage. But the burp was in charge of George now. And it wasn’t going anywhere. George stood up and started doing the Watusi.

  Yank! Alex tugged even harder on George’s pant leg.

  Oops. The pants slid off George’s waist and fell down around his ankles.

  Whoosh! Just then, George felt something pop inside his belly. All the air rushed out of him. The super burp was gone!

  But George was right there, standing in the middle of the stage, in front of the whole studio audience, in his tighty whities!

  Everyone in the audience was laughing and pointing right at George. This was a nightmare.

  Just then, Guy Smirks walked onto the stage. He stared at George and Alex.

  “Oh, man, he’s gonna get it now.” Louie laughed. “They’re gonna throw that weirdo freak right out of here!”

  George frowned. Louie was right. He was definitely getting thrown out of here now. He was going to miss the whole show. And Alex probably would, too. Which wasn’t fair. He’d just been trying to keep George out of trouble.

  Guy smiled out at the audience. “Now that’s what I call dancing your pants off!” The audience cheered wildly.

  “Good job, kid,” Guy said, wrapping his arm around George. “You’ve gotten this audience really warmed up. They’re in a great mood! And that makes for great TV.”

  George didn’t know what to say. He just stood there, listening to the audience cheer.

  “But maybe you should pull your pants up,” Guy reminded him.

  George blushed. He bent down and pulled his pants back up.

  “Let’s give these two kids one more cheer,” Guy said.

  “WOO-HOO!” The audience members all shouted, clapped, and stomped their feet. Well, almost all of the audience members, anyway. Louie was just sitting there, staring at the stage. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

  “Now you kids better go sit down,” Guy told George and Alex. “The show’s about to start.” He laughed. “Although I’m pretty sure none of these dancers are ever going to be able to top that!”

  “Is it on yet?” George asked as he flopped down in front of the living room couch on Friday night at eight o’clock.

  “It’s starting now,” his dad said.

  “I sure hope Mrs. Kelly got enough votes to go through to the next round,” George said, although he doubted it. Mrs. Kelly’s dance on last night’s show had been horrible. She’d done some weird spinning around on her back, then jumped up, wiggled her hips, and taken a flying leap across the stage. Mrs. Kelly had described her dance as a hip-hop, hula, and ballet combination. But to George, it just looked like a crazy mess.

  “Welcome to the Dance Your Pants Off Results Show!” Guy Smirks shouted into the camera. “Tonight we’ll find out if your favorite dancer will make it through to next week’s show.” He held up an envelope. “I’ve got the results right here!”

  George crossed his fingers. He crossed his toes. He tried to cross his eyes, but then the TV screen looked all fuzzy.

  “Okay, the first dancer to be safe tonight is”—Guy Smirks looked into the camera and ever so slowly opened the envelope. George held his breath.—“Sergio Smith!”

  The spotlight fell on a man in a pair of black pants and a white shirt. Sergio took a bow and walked off the stage.

  “I didn’t think he was so good,” George said.

  But he had been a better dancer than Mrs. Kelly. So had the next three dancers—Elise, Marsha, and Ricky—who were all moving on to the next round. By the time the commercial break came, there were only two dancers left: Mrs. Kelly and some lady named Casey, who had done a cartwheel in the middle of her dance and landed right on her rear end. That had to have cost her some votes. Maybe Mrs. Kelly did have a chance.

  “Okay, Mildred and Casey,” Guy Smirks said when the commercial ended. “It’s down to the two of you. One of you will be dancing next week, and one of you will be going home. The person who received the most votes and will be staying is . . .”

  George was sweating all over. His heart was pounding. His fingers and toes were cramped from being crossed for so long. “Mrs. Kelly,” he whispered. “Mrs. Kelly . . .”

  “Casey!” Guy Smirks announced. He turned to Mrs. Kelly. “Mildred, that means you’re going home. I’m sorry.”

  Mrs. Kelly looked like she was going to cry. Her face was all red, and her eyes were glassy. George turned away. He didn’t want to watch his teacher cry on TV. That would just make seeing her on Monday waaaaayyy too bizarre.

  “Shh . . . I think I hear her coming,” Julianna whispered to the other kids in class 401 on Monday morning. They had all arrived very early that morning and beaten their teacher to the classroom.

  Mrs. Kelly walked inside and flicked on the lights.

  “Surprise!” the kids shouted as they threw confetti in the air.

  Sage flicked on the MP3 player. “Walk like an Egyptian!” she shouted as the music played.

  And then the kids all began to dance around the room, just like Mrs. Kelly had taught them. George knew they looked ridiculous. But Mrs. Kelly seemed really happy. She pulled out a wrinkled tissue that was tucked in her sleeve and wiped her eyes.

  Sage and Julianna danced over to their t
eacher. They were carrying a small plastic trophy.

  “You’re the champion dancer here at Edith B. Sugarman Elementary School!” Julianna told Mrs. Kelly.

  Mrs. Kelly wiped her eyes again and smiled. “Well, what are you all standing around here for?” she asked. “Let’s dance our pants off!” Mrs. Kelly looked at George and laughed. “I didn’t mean that literally, George,” she teased. “You should definitely keep your pants on!”

  The kids all laughed. Louie laughed louder than anyone!

  George felt his face turning red. He was never going to forget how embarrassing it had been standing there in front of a whole studio audience in his tighty whities.

  Just then, George felt something weird inside him. Really weird. Like he was being tickled from the inside. He gulped. Oh no! Not again! Not the . . .

  ACHOO!

  Phew! It had only been a sneeze. A big, gooey, watery sneeze, for sure. But just a sneeze. And that was good news. Because sneezes might bring boogers, but they didn’t bring trouble.

  George smiled and moved his head back and forth like an ancient Egyptian. “Let’s dance!” he cried out happily.

  “You better not act goofy tonight,” Louie said as George walked into Louie’s mansion a few weeks later. “My mom said I had to invite everyone in the class to watch the finale of Dance Your Pants Off. But she’s definitely gonna be keeping her eye on you.”

  George frowned. Mrs. Farley had hated George ever since the super burp had made him go all crazy at Louie’s birthday party last summer, at the spring talent show, at the fall spelling bee, and while the kids were caroling on her lawn last Christmas. The super burp was a burp for all seasons. And that made grown-ups like Mrs. Farley nuts.

  “Here you go, Georgie,” Sage said. “I saved you a seat right next to me.”