How Do You Pee in Space? Read online

  “I never thought I’d say this,” Alex replied, “but I almost wish I had a burp that could help me like that.”

  “Don’t say that!” George exclaimed. “Don’t even think it.”

  Alex nodded. “You’re right. It’s just that I want to go to the Space Adventurers Program more than anything.”

  “There are better ways to get there than burping,” George told him. “Trust me.”

  “I’m going to have to focus on my questions,” Alex said. “That’s where I’ll score the most points. Hopefully, my mom will drive me to the library later. There’s a book I saw last time I was there called Spaced Out. It’s got tons of information about outer space.”

  George climbed a little higher on the stop sign and frowned. Alex sure wanted to win this contest. It kind of stunk that George was competing against his best friend for the prize. But that’s just the way it was.

  Later that afternoon, George was staring at Louie’s e-mail on his computer screen. Another Life with Louie webisode. That would be a huge waste of time.

  George knew he should start working on his questions for Major Chet Minor. He hadn’t written a single one yet. But he couldn’t help himself. Louie’s webisodes were so. . . . well . . . they were just so Louie. Which meant this one was bound to be hilarious.

  George clicked the link at the bottom of the e-mail. The next thing he knew, Louie’s face was plastered across the screen.

  “Welcome to Life with Louie!” Louie shouted. “Today I’m going to show you guys my great workout routine. It’s guaranteed to earn me a lot of points during tomorrow’s Statewide Physical-Fitness Challenge. Look how strong I am already!”

  Louie made a muscle. Or at least he tried to. All George saw on the screen was Louie’s scrawny arm, with a teeny, tiny bump where the muscle was supposed to be.

  “I’m going to show you how many toe-touches I can do,” Louie said. He looked into the camera. “Make sure you get me from my best angles,” he told the cameraman.

  “You got it, Louie,” the cameraman said. George was pretty sure it was Mike’s voice.

  “Now I bend down like this . . .” Louie bent over and disappeared from view. All George could see on the screen were Louie’s brother Sam’s trophies on a shelf as Mike took the camera and circled around.

  A moment later, George got a close-up view of Louie’s butt! The top of his crack was peeking out from above his gym shorts.

  “That’s his best angle, all right!” George laughed out loud. This was classic.

  “Get in front of me!” Louie shouted at Mike. “It’s time for push-ups.”

  Louie dropped to floor, and Mike focused the camera on his back.

  “One . . . two . . .” Louie counted as he moved up and down. “Notice how good my form is. I bend my arms, and then I push them back up again.”

  “Oof!” Mike gasped. Suddenly, the screen went blank. George heard a loud crash.

  “Ouch!” Louie shouted. “What are you doing?”

  “Sorry. I tripped,” Mike said. “I dropped the camera.”

  “On my head!” Louie groaned. “That hurt!”

  “Sorry,” Mike apologized again. Then he must have picked up the camera, because Louie’s face came back on the screen. There was a big lump forming on the side of his head.

  “That’s just part of my workout routine,” Louie said as he stood and pulled up his shorts. “I’m in great shape. So watch out. I’m gonna leave everyone in the dust. Especially you, George Brown. When we run that mile, all you’re going to see is my back as I run past you.”

  “I’ve already seen your back . . . side!” George groaned at his computer screen. “Everyone has,” he added as he clicked off the webcast.

  Grrr. Every kid in the fourth grade was trying to win that contest. But Louie had only picked on him. Like always. George had no idea why Louie hated him so much. But he did.

  There was no way George was going to let Louie beat him. Not ever. George was going to win that contest, no matter what it took. Which meant George was going to have to have the best questions and be in the best shape of anyone in the whole fourth grade. The work had to start now!

  George dropped to the floor and started doing sit-ups. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

  He flipped over to do some push-ups. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

  Then he dashed into the hallway and started running up and down the stairs. Up . . . down . . . Up . . . down . . .

  Sweat was pouring down George’s face. His pits were starting to stink. George didn’t care. All he cared about was beating Louie Farley!

  But that would mean climbing to the top of the rope. How was George supposed to practice that? There was nothing to climb on inside his house. Unless . . .

  Suddenly, George’s eyes landed on the drapes in the living-room window. They went all the way up to the ceiling. If he bunched them together real tight, they were sort of like a rope.

  Quickly, George raced over to the window. He bunched the drapes up, put one hand above the other, and started pulling himself toward the ceiling. Right hand. Left hand. Right. Left. Ri—

  Bam! Oomf! George pulled too hard. The drapes fell to the floor, bringing George down with them.

  His mother came running out of the kitchen. “Oh no! George, what have you done?” she shouted.

  George sat there in the pile of drapes. He’d really made a mess of things now. And he couldn’t even blame it on a burp.

  There wasn’t going to be any more climbing practice. George was going to have to come up with another way to win the contest.

  “Well, George?” his mother demanded. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

  George gulped. “Um . . . I think I have to go to the library?”

  “I can’t believe someone else beat me to the library and checked out Spaced Out,” Alex complained the next morning as he, George, and Chris walked into the school yard. “I didn’t think anyone else knew that book was even there. It’s never been checked out any other time I’ve gone to the library.”

  George looked down at the ground. He knew exactly who had checked the book out. George Brown. But it wasn’t entirely his fault.

  George hadn’t known that the library only had that one copy. He’d just figured Alex had gotten there earlier and checked one out, too. But now that he knew there was just one copy, he was too embarrassed to confess that he was the one who had the book.

  “Um . . . couldn’t you have used a different science book?” George asked him.

  “I did,” Alex said. “But Spaced Out has specific information about supernova remnants that I would have liked to read before writing my questions.”

  George remembered seeing the chapter on supernovas. He hadn’t understood a bit of it. It was filled with math problems and big words. Only a kid like Alex could have possibly known what all that meant. Which made George feel doubly bad about beating Alex to the library and taking it out. Especially since it had been Alex’s idea in the first place.

  It was all Louie’s fault. If he hadn’t practically dared George to beat him, George never would have stolen Alex’s idea to get the book out of the library.

  George frowned. He knew that wasn’t exactly true. Louie hadn’t made George go to the library. George had done it all on his own. And that made it even worse. What kind of kid does something that rotten to his own best friend? A Louie kind of kid.

  Was George turning into Louie Farley? Gulp. George could never let that happen.

  Maybe there was a way to make things right. George could drop out of the contest. He could rush home, get the book, and give it to Alex. A smart guy like Alex could redo his questions really quickly.

  Just then, Louie came running into the school yard with Mike and Max trailing behind. “Hey, George, you ready to lose?” he shouted. “’
Cause I’m gonna beat you. My dad had his trainer come over last night to make sure I was in shape. And Sam helped me write my questions. You know how smart Sam is, don’t you? They may as well declare me the winner right now.”

  That did it. No way was George dropping out. He couldn’t give Louie the satisfaction. Besides, there wasn’t really much of a chance George could get back to school with the book in time for Alex to change his questions. And with Alex’s problem climbing ropes, there was no guarantee he would win even if George did drop out. So what good would it do?

  Louie shot George an evil smile. “Watch how fast I can climb to the top of the flagpole and touch the Edith B. Sugarman school flag!” Louie ran over to the flagpole and began climbing.

  George glanced at Alex. He was chewing his fingernails into little nubs. Any minute now, he’d be chewing his actual fingers.

  “Come on,” George said to Alex and Chris. “We can practice our climbing, too.”

  “You guys go ahead,” Chris said. He pulled a sketchbook and a pencil out of his backpack. “I want to finish this page of my latest Toiletman comic book before the bell rings. I’m on a roll.”

  “Okay,” George said. He smiled at Alex. “It’s just you and me, then.”

  George raced over to the nearest tree and started to climb up the trunk. Alex hurried right behind him.

  George grabbed on to a tree branch and pulled himself up. “Come on,” he urged his pal. “Keep climbing.” George really wanted Alex to be able to reach the top of the rope. Somehow he thought it would make him feel less guilty.

  “I’m trying.” Alex reached for a branch, but his hand missed. “It’s no use,” he groaned as he dropped to the ground.

  Just then, George spotted Principal McKeon racing into the school yard. He crouched down and tried to hide behind the leaves. Kids weren’t supposed to climb trees at school. He hoped the principal hadn’t spotted him.

  “Louie Farley, get down from there!” Principal McKeon shouted. “You know better than to climb a flagpole. That’s disrespectful to our school flag!”

  George watched as Louie shinnied down the pole.

  “You and I need to have a little chat,” Principal McKeon said as she dragged Louie across the yard by the hand.

  George smiled to himself. It was really nice to see someone else get in trouble for a change. Particularly if that someone was Louie Farley!

  Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.

  George gasped for air as he approached the finish line during the first part of the Statewide Physical-Fitness Challenge. Running a mile was hard. Still, he’d managed to run the whole thing. Which was good.

  Unfortunately, Louie had run it faster. Which was not good. Because that had earned him an extra point.

  Everyone who finished the mile got ten points. But Julianna, who came in first, got three extra points added to her score. Charlie came in second and he got two extra points. Louie had come in third, so he got one extra point.

  Which meant Louie was a whole point ahead of George. Grrr.

  Just then Sage crossed the finish line. She practically crashed into George. Then she threw her arms around his neck. “Hold me up, Georgie,” she said, blinking her eyelashes up and down. “I feel like I might collapse.”

  George really hated when Sage called him Georgie. He didn’t like her wrapping her arms around him, either.

  “You ran so fast, Georgie,” Sage said.

  “Not fast enough,” George replied as he wrestled free from her grasp.

  “That’s okay,” Sage said. “You’ll get more points in the next part of the challenge.”

  George gave Sage a funny look. “Why are you rooting for me? Don’t you want to win?”

  Sage shook her head. “Kids who go to the Space Adventurers Program have to wear uniforms. I don’t like uniforms. I like to wear clothes that help me express my inner self.”

  Oh brother. George wished Sage would take her inner and outer selves to the other side of the field, far away from him.

  “Okay, everyone,” Coach Trainer announced a few minutes later. “Now that you’ve finished running the mile, let’s head into the gym for the rest of the challenge.”

  “Look up,” Alex said as the fourth-graders entered the gym. “There’s my downfall.”

  George looked up. There were six long ropes hanging from the ceiling. And each one had a bell at the top.

  “Those are long ropes,” Chris said.

  Alex frowned and shook his head. “This is not going to be good,” he moaned.

  Coach Trainer stood in front of the kids. “You can see that I have set up stations around the gym,” he said. “Each one is marked with a different activity. For every activity you finish, you get five points. I don’t care where you choose to start, but you must complete every activity to finish the challenge. The first person to successfully complete them all gets five extra points added to their score.”

  Five points. Wow. That could change everything.

  George looked over at Louie. He had a weird smile on his face. Like he had a plan or something that could get him to finish first. Maybe even a plan to cheat.

  George had to make sure that didn’t happen. He raised his hand.

  “Yes, George?” Coach Trainer asked.

  “How will you know if someone really did every activity?” George asked.

  “There will be a teacher at every station who will put a check on a chart next to your name when you finish,” Coach Trainer replied.

  Just then, the door to the gym opened and some other teachers walked in.

  Mrs. Kelly took her place next to the sign that read 10 PUSH-UPS.

  The other fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Miller, stood under the sign that read 35 SIT-UPS.

  Ms. Folio, the librarian, stood next to the sign that read 50 TOE-TOUCHES.

  Coach Trainer moved over to stand right next to the ropes. “Okay, kids,” he said. “As soon as I blow this whistle, you can start. One . . . two . . . three!”

  At the sound of the whistle, George hurried to the push-ups station. He dropped to the floor and started to move his body up and down. One . . . two . . . three . . .

  George knew Louie was doing his push-ups nearby, giving him the stink eye. But George didn’t look back at Louie. He just tried to stay focused on what he was doing. Eight . . . nine . . . ten.

  “Okay, George,” Mrs. Kelly said. “You can move on. You too, Louie.”

  George ran over to the sit-up station and dropped to the floor. He put his hands behind his head and started crunching. One . . . two . . . three . . .

  George kept going. But suddenly, just as he reached twenty-nine sit-ups, George felt something in the bottom of his belly. Something that had nothing to do with sit-ups. This was more something like gas-ups!

  George gulped. Oh no. Not the burp. Not now. Not in the middle of the Statewide Physical-Fitness Challenge! Somehow, George had to squelch this belch—and fast.

  But the bubbles were in really good shape. They were ping-ponging and bing-bonging their way through all his muscles. Already they had trampled his transverse abdominis, and alley-ooped over his obliques. Now they were leapfrogging over his lats and darting toward his deltoids!

  George shut his mouth tight, and tried to keep the bubbles from bursting out. And at the same time, he kept doing his sit-ups.

  Thirty . . . Thirty-one . . .

  The bubbles pounced on his pecs.

  Thirty-two . . . Thirty-three . . . They tripped over his trapezius.

  Thirty-four . . . Thirty-five . . .

  Uh-oh. Bubble bubble, George was in trouble.

  “George, what do you say?” Mrs. Miller asked him.

  George looked hopelessly up at the teacher. He opened his mouth to say “Excuse me.” But that’s not what came out. Instead, George shouted, “Time for toe-tou
ches!”

  Before he knew what was happening, George kicked off his shoes and yanked off his socks.

  “George! What are you doing?” Ms. Folio called to him. “The toe-touch station is over here.”

  “George, put your shoes back on!” Mrs. Kelly added.

  But the burp didn’t feel like wearing shoes. It felt like being a barefoot burp!

  George lay on his back and waved his feet around in the air. One of them landed just under Louie’s nose.

  “Your feet stink!” Louie shouted to George. “Get them away from me.”

  No problem! The next thing George knew, he had leaped up in the air and was running over to the toe-touching station. He started bending up and down, touching his toes. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

  By the time George reached fifty toe-touches, the burp got tired of counting. So, George took off running around the gym. The kids all stopped what they were doing just to stare at him. Some of them were holding their noses, trying not to breathe in George’s stinky feet smell.

  “George, settle down,” Coach Trainer shouted. He blew his whistle.

  George wanted to settle down. He really did. But George wasn’t in charge anymore. The burp was. And it wanted to bounce on a trampoline that Coach Trainer had pushed under the basketball hoop to get it out of the way.

  Boing! Boing! Boing! George jumped high in the air. His arms reached up and grabbed the basketball hoop. The next thing George knew, he was swinging in midair. His stinky feet were dangling over everyone’s head.

  “P.U.,” Louie cried out.

  “George, you really need to wash those feet,” Julianna agreed.

  But the burp didn’t care about stinky feet. Burps like stink. So George waved his feet in the air, sending the smell all over the gym.