Grilled Cheese and Dragons Read online

  “But . . . ,” Princess Pulverizer began to argue.

  “You want to join the Knights of the Skround Table someday, right?” King Alexander asked her.

  “Oh yes, Papa,” Princess Pulverizer said. “More than anything.”

  “Well, then you’d better get going,” the king said as he kissed his daughter on the forehead. “Your Quest of Kindness begins right now!”

  Chapter 3

  “Here, let me help you carry that heavy basket,” Princess Pulverizer said the next morning as she came upon an old woman carrying a basket filled with potatoes.

  The princess grinned widely as she spoke. She was just beginning her quest and hadn’t gotten any farther than a small village on the outskirts of Empiria. Yet already she had found someone who appeared to need her help. What luck!

  Princess Pulverizer tried to take the basket from the old woman’s hands. But the woman wouldn’t let go.

  “Get your hands off my basket!” she demanded.

  “But you have to let me help you,” Princess Pulverizer insisted. She pulled harder at the basket.

  “Let go of my potatoes!” The old woman gripped the basket tightly.

  “I need to do a good deed,” Princess Pulverizer explained. She gave another tug and . . .

  Rrrippp. The basket broke open.

  Thump.

  Bump.

  Flump.

  The potatoes fell into the mud.

  “Look what you’ve done!” the old woman scolded her. “My basket is torn. How am I supposed to get my potatoes home now?”

  “I’ll help you carry them,” Princess Pulverizer suggested. “That would be a good deed, right?”

  “I think you’ve done enough,” the old woman said. “Go on your way.”

  “Can I at least take one of these potatoes as a token—just to show my father that I tried to do a good deed?” Princess Pulverizer asked.

  “First you break my basket and now you want to steal one of my potatoes?” The woman gasped.

  “I don’t want to steal it, I just—” Princess Pulverizer began to explain.

  But the old woman didn’t let her finish. “HELP!” she shouted. “THIEF!”

  A crowd of people turned and stared.

  Uh-oh. Any minute now the sheriff would be there.

  Princess Pulverizer could stay and try to explain to him that she was a princess on a Quest of Kindness so she could go to Knight School.

  But considering no other girl had ever gone on a quest like this, or gone to Knight School, she figured no sheriff in his right mind would ever believe her.

  To him, she would just seem like a common thief—especially dressed as she was in a plain cloth tunic and cloak, carrying nothing but a simple knapsack.

  Oh why hadn’t she at least packed her royal tiara?

  If she stuck around, Princess Pulverizer could be in big trouble. Maybe even wind up in the local dungeon!

  So the princess did the only thing she could.

  She ran off. As fast as possible.

  Princess Pulverizer trudged her way up the hill. It seemed like she’d been running for hours. She was very tired. But at least now she was in another village—far from the old lady and her potatoes. She was safe.

  Unfortunately, nearly a whole day had gone by and she still hadn’t found a single person who needed her help. At this rate, her Quest for Kindness could go on forever.

  The princess knelt down by a nearby stream and took a drink of cool, clear water. As she drank, two women came strolling down the path.

  “The queen was absolutely beside herself,” remarked the taller woman, who wore a pale green dress. “Some of the stolen jewels were gifts from her parents and her grandparents. They were priceless.”

  “I don’t blame her for being upset,” replied her friend. “The velvet, gem-covered box that held the jewels was stolen right out of her room while she was sleeping.”

  “I don’t understand how that could happen,” the woman in the green dress said. “The queen’s chambers are in the top tower of the palace. She locks her door when she goes to sleep. The only way into her room is through the window.”

  “That tower is way too high for any ladder,” the woman in the gray cloak added. “The thief would have had to be tall enough to actually reach in through the window and grab the jewels.”

  Her friend laughed. “That’s not possible,” she said. “No one in the entire kingdom of Shmergermeister is that tall.”

  “I doubt the queen will ever see her jewels again,” the woman in the gray cloak said. “Who would be smart enough to know where to find someone that tall? Or brave enough to get the jewels back from such a thief?”

  A smile began to form on Princess Pulverizer’s face. She was smart. And she was brave. This was it! Her first task on her Quest of Kindness.

  All she had to do was find someone tall enough to reach into a high tower window, retrieve the jewels, and return them to the queen.

  Easy peasy.

  Well, it would be—if she could figure out who the tallest person in the kingdom of Shmergermeister might be.

  The princess remembered once reading a story about a tall, scary ogre who lived in an old, abandoned castle far up in the hills of a faraway kingdom. The ogre captured princesses and stole jewelry.

  Hmmm . . . Princess Pulverizer was in a faraway kingdom. Okay, not so faraway. But there were hills all around her.

  Sure, the ogre was just a character in a storybook. But storybook characters had to come from somewhere. Maybe there really was such a thing as a giant, jewel-stealing ogre.

  Princess Pulverizer leaped to her feet and began searching the hills of Shmergermeister for an ogre. It was no easy task. The roads were steep, and the ground was muddy. The tall, leafy trees made the forest seem dark and gloomy. But Princess Pulverizer kept walking, searching for a giant ogre.

  Unfortunately, an hour later she still hadn’t found a single sign of one.

  This really stinks. Another dead end on my Quest of Kindness.

  Just as she was about to turn back, Princess Pulverizer spotted something on the ground. It was a footprint.

  A giant footprint.

  A footprint so large and so wide, you could fit a family of five inside of it and still have room for a dog!

  Up ahead, she saw another giant footprint.

  And another.

  And another.

  Princess Pulverizer followed the giant footsteps up a steep, steep hill, until finally they led her to the largest castle she had ever seen.

  It was also the ugliest castle she had ever seen. The wooden windowsills were rotting and lopsided. There were weeds growing all around. It looked like the place hadn’t been cleaned in a hundred years. It was the perfect home for an ogre!

  Quietly, Princess Pulverizer moved closer to the decrepit castle, making sure to stay hidden in the trees.

  Suddenly, a loud, deep voice echoed through the hills. “SHINY!”

  The princess jumped back. Whoa! That was scary.

  But Princess Pulverizer was brave. Or at least she was trying to be.

  I’m not afraid, she thought. I’m not afraid.

  “SO SHINY!” the deep voice boomed, even louder this time.

  Princess Pulverizer’s knees knocked nervously. Her teeth began to chatter.

  Okay, maybe she was a little afraid. But that wasn’t going to stop her. She kept walking toward the castle. She moved closer. And closer. And closer still.

  That’s when she saw him. The ogre. He looked just like the one in her storybook.

  The ogre was big.

  And scary.

  And really, really hairy! Boy, did he need a haircut.

  The ogre was playing with some shiny gemstones. High atop his big, hairy head, he wore a teeny tiny crown. Well, it loo
ked teeny tiny on the ogre, anyway. In reality, it was a crown that would fit perfectly on the head of a queen.

  She had found them! The queen’s jewels!

  Now all she had to do was get them away from the ogre so she could return them to the Queen of Shmergermeister.

  GRUMBLE. RUMBLE.

  Suddenly, the loudest thunder the princess had ever heard echoed through the forest. But the sun was shining. And there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

  How strange.

  GRUMBLE. RUMBLE.

  The ogre rubbed his belly. “ME HUNGRY,” he grunted.

  Now Princess Pulverizer understood. The thunder hadn’t been coming from the sky at all. It was coming from deep inside the ogre’s empty belly. It was time for his supper.

  The ogre stood up and headed into his castle. The giant door shut behind him, and there was a click as the lock was turned.

  Now the jewels were in the castle. Which meant Princess Pulverizer needed to go in there and get them.

  But how? It wasn’t like ogres just invited knights-in-training into their castles.

  Or did they?

  Chapter 4

  “I am a happy princess wandering in the woods,” Princess Pulverizer sang out as loudly as she could. “All alone, with no one to protect me . . .” The princess’s voice cracked on that last note. She probably should have paid more attention to her music classes at the Royal School of Ladylike Manners.

  Princess Pulverizer stopped singing and waited for the ogre to come capture her.

  But the door to the castle didn’t open.

  Still, she wasn’t giving up. She was going to get captured by that ogre, no matter how much singing she had to do. Being captured meant she would be brought inside the ogre’s castle. And once she was in there, she could get her hands on the Queen of Shmergermeister’s jewels.

  “I’m all alone,” Princess Pulverizer sang, much louder this time. “Just picking flowers. With no one watching over me. And did I mention, I’m a princess?”

  She waited for a moment and stared at the door. It still didn’t open.

  What was wrong with this ogre? Didn’t he know it was his job to capture princesses and drag them into his castle?

  “La la la la!” Princess Pulverizer sang, so loud and so out of tune that it sounded more like squawking than singing.

  Click. A lock opened. The door to the castle swung open. The ogre stomped out—with his dirty fingers shoved into his hairy ears.

  “NOISE BAD,” he grunted.

  Princess Pulverizer scowled. “Come on. My singing’s not that bad.”

  “BAD!” the ogre grumbled. “VERY BAD.”

  “Well, if my singing hurts your ears,” Princess Pulverizer said angrily, “I’ll just keep my mouth shut, then.”

  “FINE,” the ogre bellowed. He turned and started back into his castle.

  “Don’t you want to capture me and hold me prisoner in your tower?” Princess Pulverizer asked him.

  The ogre looked at her strangely. “NO SING?” he asked her.

  The princess shook her head. “No more singing.”

  “OKAY,” the ogre said. He took her by the arm and began dragging her inside. “I CAPTURE.”

  Princess Pulverizer sighed. It was about time.

  “YOU PRISONER,” the ogre said as he led Princess Pulverizer up the last and steepest staircase and into the giant tower.

  The princess could not believe her eyes. What a dump!

  There were strange objects piled in a mound from floor to ceiling. Bent forks. Crusty spoons. Dulled metal knives. A broken hand mirror. Silk scarves. Copper teakettles. Frying pans. Broken teacups. Chipped dishes.

  “What is all this junk?” Princess Pulverizer asked.

  “TREASURES,” the ogre barked at her. “MY TREASURES.”

  “Treasures?” the princess questioned. “This is just junk.”

  “MY TREASURES,” the ogre repeated. “YOU NO TOUCH.”

  Princess Pulverizer looked at a large silver ladle that was covered in a crusty yellow film.

  No touch.

  No problem.

  But a few minutes later, after the ogre had shut the tower door and left, Princess Pulverizer realized she just might have to dig through the pile of junk, after all.

  The ogre had called this stuff treasures. So maybe the silverware, coins, pots, and pans were things he had stolen and wanted to keep for his own.

  If so, it was possible that there were some real treasures in that mess.

  Treasures from a jewelry box that was stolen from the Queen of Schmergermeister!

  Princess Pulverizer had no choice. She reached into the pile of disgustingness and began to dig.

  After sorting through the ogre’s treasures for what seemed like hours, Princess Pulverizer still had not found a single jewel.

  The Queen of Schmergermeister’s jewelry box was nowhere to be found.

  But it had to be there in the castle. Princess Pulverizer had seen a queen’s crown on the ogre’s head. And she’d caught him playing with the gems.

  Those jewels had to be somewhere else in the castle.

  But where?

  ZZZZ . . . ZZZZZ . . . ZZZZ

  A little while later, the castle suddenly began to rock.

  And rumble.

  And rattle all around.

  ZZZZZ . . . ZZZ . . . ZZZZZZZ

  Princess Pulverizer gulped. The ground was vibrating beneath her. It felt like any minute it would open up and swallow the castle whole.

  ZZZZZZ . . . ZZZ

  And what was that horrible noise? She’d never heard anything like it before.

  Wait a minute. Yes, she had. That was the same sound Lady Frump had made one afternoon when the palace chef gave the girls a lecture on how to properly eat cucumber sandwiches.

  The lesson had been so boring that even Lady Frump had fallen asleep. And then she’d started snoring.

  ZZZZ . . . ZZZ

  That was it! The ogre had fallen asleep. His snoring was so loud, it was rocking the whole castle.

  This was Princess Pulverizer’s chance. All she had to do was find the jewels, grab them, and make her escape—before the ogre awoke.

  How hard could that be?

  Pretty hard, actually, if the ogre had locked the tower door behind him when he left.

  Quickly, Princess Pulverizer raced to the door.

  She jiggled the doorknob. And then . . .

  The door popped open. Silly ogre. He’d forgotten to lock the princess in.

  Lucky for her, the ogre seemed pretty new to this capturing-damsels thing.

  As she quietly made her way down the stairs from the tower, Princess Pulverizer smiled smugly to herself. This Quest of Kindness was going to be a piece of cake.

  ZZZZ . . . ZZZZZ . . . ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

  The snoring grew louder and louder as the princess neared the ogre’s chambers. Finally, she reached the room and snuck a peek through his open door.

  The ogre was sleeping facedown on the floor, with his rear end high in the air like a giant ogre-butt mountain.

  On the other side of the ogre-butt mountain was a beautiful velvet box encrusted with jewels.

  That has to be the Queen of Shmergermeister’s jewelry box, thought Princess Pulverizer.

  The ogre was keeping his newest, shiniest, nicest treasures close by.

  Princess Pulverizer slid quickly and carefully around the sleeping ogre, making sure she stayed far from his humongous body.

  When she reached the other side of him, Princess Pulverizer snatched the jewelry box. She shoved it into her knapsack and started back toward the door.

  As she reached the doorway, the princess glanced over at the ogre one more time. That’s when she noticed the sword beside him—probably another of his stolen treasures.
Something like that might come in handy. Maybe she should just take it and . . .

  ZZZZ . . . ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

  Before the princess could grab the sword, the ogre let out the loudest snore she had ever heard.

  And then he began to roll over . . .

  “Yikes!” Princess Pulverizer leaped out of the way just in time. A moment later, she would have been crushed under the weight of the giant ogre.

  That was the good news.

  The bad news was the ogre was now awake. And it’s never a great idea to wake a sleeping ogre.

  “NO ESCAPE!” the ogre grunted as he leaped to his giant feet and grabbed the princess with his massive fingers. “BACK TO TOWER!”

  And with that, the ogre threw Princess Pulverizer over his shoulder and carried her back to the tower at the top of his castle. He put her down in the room, slammed the door, and locked it behind him.

  Clearly, he had learned his lesson.

  The princess was trapped in the tower. Stuck in there with all the smelly, moldy junk. And she had no way out.

  This was not part of her plan.

  “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” Princess Pulverizer shouted. “LET ME OUT!”

  Chapter 5

  Grrr . . .

  Princess Pulverizer was mad. Really mad. She couldn’t believe she’d been stuck in the ogre’s tower for a whole night.

  Her plan had been going so well. She’d gotten into the castle with no problems. She’d found the queen’s jewels—and stolen them back.

  But here it was the next morning, and she was still stuck in the ogre’s castle.

  And it wasn’t like anyone was going to be looking for her, or even missing her. No one—not even her own father—would be expecting her. Not for a long while. After all, performing eight good deeds took time.

  It would be weeks—maybe months—until the Knights of the Skround Table would be sent to look for her.

  Not that she really needed help. Because there had to be a way for her to get out. And if anybody could figure out how to escape, it was Princess Pulverizer.